You Never Know

Chief Digital and Information Officer, John Laverick, shares a very personal story of his own mental health issues in honour of World Mental Health Day.

[Warning: this article includes mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts]

Colleagues in Digital and Technology Services (DTS) will be well aware of our core value of looking out for others: “You never know what issues anyone else has going on”. I wanted to use this message to talk more widely about my experience of mental health, its continuous shadow and how it can affect anyone. The experiences shared in this post are personal and unique to me.

Mental health is complex, and everyone’s journey is different. While my story might resonate with some, it’s important to understand and respect the diverse range of mental health experiences out there.

74% of suicides in the UK are men, and men aged 45 to 64 have the highest rate of suicide in any group. [source: Office of National Statistics]. However even after some high-profile work especially targeting men and sports, a large part of the ongoing issue is the belief that they’re the only ones struggling and the belief that it is still perceived as weak to open up to it.

I have had mental health problems since my teens, generally caused by what I now recognise as anxiety. They come and go through my life so it is not constant, but they can get pretty bad. A recent experience standing in the middle of the night on Westminster bridge was one of the low points. I can’t really describe quite how the brain is acting at that point apart from an intense focus on what to do. I tend more generally to spiral for a few days or weeks and withdraw from conversation and social events. Work, I can generally compartmentalise which creates its own problems – I can be seen as functionally effectively, often ironically with a much more focused mindset at these periods. To those who are not close to me, there are no signs that I am spiralling.

I lost a close friend to suicide in 2012. Everyone in our friendship group knew by then that I was vulnerable to mental health issues, but we didn’t see hers at all. She was someone who was always there for others, always listening and always very aware. One day she dropped her boy at school, went home and made a packed lunch for him for the following day and took her life.

Norwich City Football Club released a video this week that highlights this issue.

The only positive that I can ever take from this is that seeing (and living) the effect that that decision has had on her friends and family has literally at points stopped me from doing similar. When at rock bottom, having something to focus on, even if that is the pain you will cause others, is powerful.

It’s (sometimes) good to talk. This is a complex element – I am writing this sitting on a train, looking at an advert for the Samaritans on a station platform. This encourages the picking up of the phone and talking to someone. My experience, as I said above, is that in the moment, you are so focused on what you need to do, you are not worried about yourself, indeed, you know that it is a simple method of solving the issues. At that point I don’t reach out. I also withdraw when I am in a depression and very much don’t want to talk.

Having said that, simple triggers can be enough. In my two recent ‘close calls’ a WhatsApp message from a concerned friend broke my focus and made me back off (or at least tell myself to leave it until tomorrow). So, I think for me it is more being there than needing to talk about the issues.

In the Westminster bridge incident, I stood there for an hour, lost in the focus and no one said anything. People looked at me as they walked by, some even looking concerned, but no one said anything. It reminds me now of a social media post I read where the writer said:

I had been with him for 6 months and I noticed that whenever we were driving and he saw a man walking alone, he would wave and grin at them. I commented that he knew a lot of people in the area, and he said, ‘no, I read somewhere that one guy didn’t kill himself just because someone smiled at him and asked the time. So now I make a point of waving at everyone. Who knows? It might have saved someone’. It’s worth noting that having talked to family, friends and colleagues who have had their own unique challenges, the routes to recovery and resilience are as diverse as the people navigating them. One friend mentioned how therapy was her lifeline, while another found solace in group conversation.

At present I am in a good place. As I have got older, I have become more aware of ways of combatting the issues. I enjoy challenging situations which help me channel my energies and provide a sense of accomplishment, roles lacking stimulation or purpose exacerbate my feelings of anxiety. I have taught myself to code in Python, which gives me a focus away from work where I can channel my brain onto a specific topic. I am much more open than I used to be about mental health – close friends and colleagues are aware of the warning signs.

As I started by saying, everybody you interact with, whether at work, home, or socially, has issues that you are probably not aware of. Don’t assume that the external image is always correct, don’t assume that mental health only affects some people and, most importantly, never see mental health as a weakness – in you or anyone else.

My mental health has made me the person I am. It has made me more flexible in my approach to work, more empathetic to others and has styled my leadership approach.

It is a part of me that I am now at peace with.

This article was first shared internally with HMCTS on world mental health day